TWO O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING:
EVERY DAY A CURSE,
WAKE FROM THE BOOZE – INDUCED SLUMBER,
DRINK TEA AND SMOKE BANAL CIGARETTES.
PLAY MUSIC, AND EVEN THAT PALES,
INTO A VEIL OF TEARS,
MORE TEA, MORE CIGARETTES,
AND A MAELSTROM OF MEMORIES!
LIKE SPINNING IN A VORTEX
TRYING TO PULL ON THE JUMBLE OF THREADS,
TO FIND A SANE STORY-LINE -:
FROM THE UNREAL REALITY
A FUTURE, ALREADY CONJURED,
FAST FADES LIKE A FALSE MEMORY…
NOTHING FITS TOGETHER,
MY VOICE STICKS TO THE BACK OF MY THROAT.
I JUST WANT TO BALL UP IN A CORNER
LIKE A CHILD,
AND LET THE TEARS WASH OVER ME.
SEEMS THE ONLY SAFE PLACE IS THE PAST.
It is so disabling to wake up every night at 2 am and have no mechanism to get back to sleep. It makes every day a dull fog. I’m lying in bed, wearing Marie’s dressing gown just because it smells of her. Even my long suffering dogs are fed up with me…
Ellie looks at me as if to say, For fuck’s sake WILL YOU GO BACK TO SLEEP!
Easily said, not so easily done.
I know the process, it gets easier as time passes, but at this moment it’s no consolation!
It’s a week that has already passed. But it feels like hours not days.
I tell myself I’m doing alright, but the middle of the night has a different outlook.
The night will always win!
Live in Love my friends