In January 2010, I started painting this trilogy of paintings. They were of my Marie, but before I had even contacted her. I had befriended her on Facebook eighteen months before, but I had never contacted her, I could sense her following my life, she was feeling my pain, the awful tumult I was having to play out, which I cannot speak of here. In January, I went to my Mom and Dad’s house to look after my Nan, whilst they were away on holiday. I had took my paints, and using the conservatory, where my Dad paints, I started to paint these three paintings. I have always painted Marie like this. As an esoteric version of the Virgin Mary. Even without contact with her, I could feel her sadness, her yearning. She had lost her soul-mate, her Border Collie, Kelsie had died. She was struggling to come to terms with the loss. Unless you have had such a close relationship with dogs, I guess this could sound ridiculous. So, we were connecting, I was feeling her loss, and she was feeling my pain. Weirdly, I have only just realised how bizarre this might seem to people who do not have a soul connection with anyone…
In 2010, we had not had contact for thirty years. Yet, we were always in contact… We felt each other through the ether, or whatever you want to call it, the astral plain, names do not matter. We always had that level of connection. She was the only person in sixty years with whom I have ever had this level of connection, apart from my kids and a couple of my dogs… I could always enter her mind… I know it is weird. We had a level of love, which we have shared through several lifetimes, We were a couple in Russia in 19th century, killed in a pogrom, and we were the opposite sex to this life, She was my Mischka… Which I used to call her in this life too. Mischka means in Russian, He who is like God! Which now makes me smile, because in this life, I have always called her my Goddess, , my Angel.
When I felt her reaching out to me, I finally got in touch, I asked a question. It is not pertinent to this story, but very personal. She answered. Hoorah! Tentatively, I began to unpick her defence mechanism. She was like a set of Russian Dolls, you had to carefully unpack her. Her life had been hard, and she was a very sensitive and sensual person, so she had built up barriers to stop herself being hurt. I am the opposite, I am an open book, I flush with love. I am very loquacious, over-share, and try always to be truthful, almost to a pathological level, and live by my mantra, to do no harm.
This is what hurts… To be where I had to be, which was with my Marie, I had to break up two families. I felt tremendous guilt for five years, I felt I had let my youngest son down, I felt I had caused pain to Marie’s husband too. However, I had known for thirty years that we would eventually come back together, it was a contract which God, had blessed me with… I had told my daughter of this knowledge, five years before it happened.
Here’s what I think now: We had to come back together to replenish our souls, for together, we fed each other, we rebuilt ourselves, we shared love, to such a level, that it made us into a better soul. We are one soul, so entwined, we cannot be kept apart because we need to find one another to advance our soul. Each life is a new journey, each life is full of trauma which we overcome with love. It is the love which is important.
Love overcomes everything. This is the lesson of each mystic saviour, be it Jesus, Mohammad, Siddhartha, whomsoever. Each teaches the primacy of Love. Each message becomes distorted by the dogmatic doctrines created by orthodoxy. Do not follow Orthodoxy, follow love! Love will always be right.
I have lost the bright blue flame of My Marie’s life, but her love remains. She will always be with me, and we will be back together again in the next cycle. She is with me, and will be waiting impatiently for me. I hope I can continue to live in the way she has taught me, I’m sure that if I don’t she will intervene. She is already beginning to plant seeds in my soul. The trauma of her death, made a her return to me difficult. It was a massive shock to her, and believe me it was horrible! She showed me how it felt within two days. It felt like the famous head shot on JFK, but it was only for a micro second, which I find gratifying in some ways, but our soul was not prepared for the shock.
I’m still trying to come to terms with the loss, the aching chasm in my life that her corporeal body filled. I am still spiritually connected to her, she lies within me and without me, this will never change, just as it did not change when we were apart in life.
Yet, I yearn for her touch, for 8 years we were constant companions, and held fast to each other every night and day. We were always hungry for each other, when we were apart, at work, I used to talk about her and my love for her to everyone, I was a Marie Bore!
Live in love