The future was a place where we, my beloved and me got to explore all the places we had ever dreamed of… Without her, these plans feel fatuous at best… Even if I still visit these places, and do the things we wanted to do, it will feel like building paper castles in the air, any joy or wonder will ring as hollow as Disneyworld. The sharing of experiences, is what makes them special. On my own, the will be no more important than someone else’s holiday photos. So, given that I have a future… alone, how do I progress? Obviously, I will have to reboot my desires, obviously I have little Phoenix, my Amy, and my sons, Nathan and James, with whom I can share experiences, go to interesting and exciting places… and their companionship will give these moments meaning, but it will not be the same things that we, Marie and I, had planned to do.
The thing is, as a couple, we had singular interests, romantic notions, and visions of great Art Galleries, grand vistas of natural beauty, things which can be enjoyed at a sedentary pace, given our age, and these are not things and experiences which will excite a young child, or young adults.
Then there is my job… Given the nature of my Marie’s death, She was tragically killed in a freak accident where she hit the back of a tractor’s trailer at 60 miles per hour, she died instantly of multiple injuries. The only way she could be identified was by me seeing her tattoo. Not even her dental records could be used, due to the nature of her injuries. Now, given the above, do you think I can possibly go back to driving a van to earn my living? I am not going to be able to do it! As a courier, you spend a lot of time alone inside your head, so not only will the driving be a problem, at the moment any car journey fills me with dread, but also, I will spend every day alone in my head, continually spinning and re-spinning the events of Marie’s death, and sobbing.
Thus, I don’t think I can go back to my old job. My mental health will not stand up to the rigours of ten hours driving a day. I have been through grief before in my life and know that it is not a process which cannot be done alone. Spending long periods alone just leads to a deeper depression and dark satanic periods with suicidal tendencies. I do not want the death of my beloved to lead me down that toxic avenue. Our relationship was and is, one of love and hope, and I do not want to do anything which could spoil that legacy…
So I have ruled out a future life as anticipated, my dreams and desires will have to be re-envisioned, and my employment prospects are going to be tempered by the fact I don’t want to spend long periods of time on my own. However, at my age, soon to be 59, job prospects are not great.
I do not have any ideas of how to go forward from this point in time, but at least I have begun to unpack the problems I face. I’m thinking about a future, which is good and healthy in a mental sense, but where that future may lead… I’m none the wiser.
Why don’t you sell your paintings? Is what people keep saying, but my art is my release, I do it for pleasure, and because it is a need. I’m not sure that trying to monetise that process will be beneficial in an artistic sense. I paint what I want to paint, whereas if I paint for money, I will beholden to someone else’s vision. I like to give people paintings, usually because they love them. I always have. Where grifters leave a paper trail of bounced cheques, I leave a trail of paintings and murals as I waft across the country.
Vincent Van Gogh never sold a single painting in his life! Probably not a good example as he cut off his ear and committed suicide, but he was trying to perfect his vision of what Art could be, and in this respect, I have a singular way of creating Art, which has become tempered by my bloody colour blindness. I would love to paint landscapes, but my blue/green confusions make it practically impossible to do anything other than abstraction in colour. I love trees, but the greens are just beyond me.
I’m expecting Marie to gently guide me to an answer, in death as she did in life, and all I have to do is listen. At the moment, however it is impossible to settle my mind enough to hear what she is saying, there is such a cacophony of thoughts and impulses, I am deaf to her guidance. I’m hoping I will find a way to find peace and quiet in my mind, enough to hear her advice and take it… I always have done whatever she advises, because she was always invariably right.
Sorry to have rambled on. It helps to write out my thoughts.
Live in love my friends