Had another visit from my police liaison and the sergeant in charge of the case. They told me the exact details of the accident, which I’m not going into here… Nobody would really want the awfulness of the accident in their head… Suffice to say, it has knocked me backwards. I had thought, with the lovely funeral and the perfect sense of completion I felt… I had put the actuality of the accident behind me. It seems it cannot be put behind me so easily, I know my naivety is ridiculous, because the case continues all the way to court or inquest, but as that is probably six months away, It was never going to fade until that actuality had been done. I thought maybe by then, I would be able to cope with it. Yet now, with the all too graphic details spread out before me, even love cannot stop my absolute horror and despair, I’m not even sure I can close my eyes without the images flooding back. I kissed those lips just 15 minutes before, I held her beautiful body next to mine and Said I love you so much…
I fill the void with pictures of her, so that everywhere I look in the house, she stares down on me, and each time I pass one I kiss it, and my heart quivers. Best you think you she did not suffer, she was dead instantly. This is supposed to give succour, but it feels like I am dying slowly with a thousand cuts. I know she will come to me in the night and tell me off for being so maudlin and sad… She will reset my dials and point me in the right direction… but now, right now in my conscious state, it feels so empty.
I’m sorry. This is just a diary entry and probably should not be published, but it shows how your grief works… It is not a straight road to recovery, its an ugly awkward mountain path full of brambles and nettles and sheer drops which cannot be avoided.
The task is not to stop the grief, it cannot be stopped, the task is to take the fall, pull your broken and bruised soul back up, and continue on the awful quest back to some semblance of normality. I know my madness. I know the manic stage is then followed by deep despair, but I know I will always contain it. Bend but do not break that is the only way to keep going forwards. I’m unbelievably sad right now, but I know I will find my way back to an equilibrium of sorts. I have plans, maybe not attainable, but I can play with them for a bit, and the sadness will fade back into the background hum.
live in love
and remember the words of Dumbledore,
Don’t pity the Dead, Harry, pity the living!