I spotted the Klimt at the National Gallery from three gallery Halls away. It shimmered like a jewel in the distance… An excalibur in the lake. Klimt was Marie’s favourite painter since antiquity… She had a print of the lovers on her bedroom wall back when we were still but teenagers. I made a bee-line for the painting and stared in wonder, I turned to see what Marie thought of it, half forgetting it was not her beside me, Janet,my old work colleague, was wearing the same type of puffer coat that Marie would wear… And in this moment I realised the enormity of my loss. It’s not the fact that my love has gone, it is more that the history or legend of our long association cannot ever be replaced. I know her soul inside out for over 40 years, in this lifetime, and in previous lives innumerable, and that level of intimacy cannot be replicated.
I spent nearly thirty years with my ex-wife, shared three children together… but i never achieved the level of pure intimacy with her that I had with Marie. It was not her fault, your soul knows it’s mate, and she was never my soulmate. With my Marie… everything was easy, we knew each other inside out. We lived as one, we became a single unit. We shared enthusiasms. In Music, in art , in literature… In spirituality!
This is the hardest part of living without her. Over time, the actuality of being in this world without her becomes easier, I have, for the most part, dealt with all the pressing detritus of modern living, dealt with changing all the bills into my name, and so on. I have begun to be able to cope with the aching enormity of shopping for one… well three if you count the dogs, and over time this will become second nature. These things can be conquered, and I’m getting there, but the ability to go places with her and know what she would love, what we would delight in together, the simple short-hand of knowing intuitively, this is the space which cannot ever be filled. This is the simple gulp of anguish which will never get better, which will never be overcome. It cannot be. I don’t want it to be. Her presence in this world is denoted by the empty pedestal on which I worshipped her… And I will keep that pedestal vacant as a monument to our love. I’m facing up to the future without her, I have to, but this space in my soul will always be carried with me.
live in love my lovely friends
Dale M xxx