My little Phoenix will be one year old on Saturday. We are having a family party for her, with all my side of the family coming, (she’s having a separate party for my ex-wife’s side of her family on Sunday) all my cousins, my brother’s family and my Aunt, all are coming. One person will be missing. My Marie. I have mixed feelings about the party, its at these events that I miss my lover the most. She would have made the effort to come, because Marie was besotted with Phoenix. As I’m in the process of moving, everything feels too much for me. I keep putting off going through the last remaining boxes of Marie’s belongings as these are the last of her secrets, the last way she can surprise me.
She had already bought the Baby’s birthday present. She was amazingly prescient about things, I mean the name Phoenix now fits so perfectly, she rises out of the ashes of Marie’s death to become my centre. I love the little monkey so much, but I have stepped back from looking after her… I don’t want to imbue her young life with my sadness, I want her to think of me as a fun Granddad, but the funside of my nature has been kicked out of me. I no longer find the fun in any situation… I just find ways to feel sad that Marie is missing it. I know that with time this aspect of my life will wane, and I will find joy again, hopefully.
Happy Birthday my little miracle!