Today was a retrogressive day, I had to give a police statement about my beloved’s life and personality… I tried to do her justice but a pen sketch does not describe a masterpiece. She was a deeply private person, so I felt that to even discuss her was an invasion of her privacy. I understood the necessity of the statement, i.e. was she suicidal?
but as i said to the police officer, if one was suicidal, there are much easier options than getting cleaved in two by a metal disc on the back of a muck spreader doesn’t exactly appeal. She was happy and loving to the very last moment of her life. She showed so much love to me that I am always going to treasure every moment we had together. There can be no other.
Yesterday, I was actively looking forwards, going around the Art Gallery in Birmingham, enjoying the fact that even at this monstrous great age I appear to be learning new things about art, even after studying all the masters for years. What you can’t get from images and from books is the true monumentalism of the real work. I’m not just talking about size or subject, but rather about the use of colour, the use of light and shade… Seeing the works of people I have venerated for years is always thrilling!
Yesterday gave me a vision, still blurred in the dark fog of my bereavement, but a vision that somehow through art i will be able to carve out a future…
But today the fog came back down off the mountains… and all movements stutter with uncertainty. So I don’t paint, I just sit, wrapping the dark cloak tightly around me, and think who am I kidding?
Then I watched a Documentary on Picasso, and a single image excited me again, made me want to draw, free-hand and expressionistically, in charcoal, I wanted to etch out the shape of my misery, like hammering away with a chisel at a piece of marble…Find my own voice to answer the scream, silent and deadly, that Munch told, that Picasso Told, that Van Gogh, Basquiat etc etc etc… We imitate until we eventually find our own style.
So yes, the bleakness still has a hand on my shoulder, but the future is beautiful. I can do my Art. I have my Art. I am blessed with that.
live in love