I went to visit my daughter and granddaughter today, had a lovely time with my two princesses, then decided to go into Crewe to do a bit of shopping. Mostly art products, I’m running low on canvases and paints. Anyway, I arranged to meet Amy at a pub to take them both for lunch. Then my car broke down. It broke down at the very spot I had sat at in 2011, when I decided to leave my ex-wife and move in with my beloved. At the very same spot where I used to take my dogs to chase around like idiots, the very same spot I once found a five pound note when I was desperate for cash, a starving actor if you will, and the very same spot where I met a girl who I eventually wrote a play about, called Stone Heroes, which never made it to the stage, but I have fond memories of it. Unfortunately, or fortunately if you like good theatre, the play no longer exists, as the laptop it was stored on was stolen in a burglary in 1993. So, as I sat waiting for the AA to recover me, I had plenty of time to recollect the memories that the spot held for me…
How weird that one random spot could have had such a major effect on my life for more than 30 years?
And here I sat once again today, and thought, Am I doing the right thing?
Was it a sign that the Gods were not yet through with fucking with me?
How the hell was I going to get the car back to Lichfield?
Am I doing the right thing?
The truth is I don’t know. I have taken a leap of faith. I want to paint, so I have forgone my independence to facilitate that ambition. It is what Marie, my beloved,would have wanted me to do. I don’t know if it will work out, I have very little confidence in my painting ability, though having people say nice things about them is always good, so I am no peacock when it comes to my talents, but I am naturally a risk taker. My own nature has always been subsumed by my desire to do the best for my family… but now my kids are all grown, and my responsibilities are to me and to my dogs, so I have leapt majestically into the unknown.
So I sat there… and thought that i’m jinxed, that greater powers were messing with me for no good reason. My beautiful angel has been taken from me, isn’t that suffering enough?
The AA guy arrived, he turned the car’s computer off and on again… And blow me it worked. Who knew?
So the upshot of this navel gazing?
Fuck the powers… I’m painting. I will carry on painting. I don’t care if I live or die, but painting is the only peace I can find on this pissant planet, so damn you all.