I’VE NOT HAD A DRINK FOR THREE DAYS!
This may seem trivial to many of you, but I have not had a day without drinking since Marie died five months ago. To be fair, I’ve pretty much drank every day for 25 years. For the most part, I didn’t drink to excess, a couple of vodkas a day would suffice… bit since the accident it has become a problem, and after being really ill on monday and tuesday, i decided it was time to stop. So i’ve stopped.
I’ve noticed that sobriety has had an effect on my grief. This is difficult to explain…
When I’ve had a drink, the grief is a tangible emotion, felt completely in the now, it overwhelms me… like being coshed over the head with emotion. Every pore aches with the loss. Sober, the grief is much more cerebral and almost banal… like a slow and intricate torture, because sober, you can attack the grief with intellectual rigour, you can turn the feelings over and over, try to find a path through it.
Whether or not there is a path through these feelings is a moot point. I don’t know. It’s early days yet. I know for a fact the drinking of 2 litres of vodka a week wasn’t helping.
Given that I have a blood disorder, and can only move with the aid of pain killers, due to my spondalitis and stenosis, and have a bad stomach, drinking that much spirits is not going to end well!
So there you are, my little missive, I’m not saying sobriety is much fun, but its what I need at the moment.