I enjoyed sharing my headspace with my friend Janet. She was kind enough to come up and spend a week or so with me whilst my mum and dad and brother were all away on their holidays. To be honest, I’m not sure if I could have got through this time if I’d have been on my own. She is a lovely, warm and generous person, and very easy to spend time with… She placed no demands on me, she was just there to be my friend . I’m still not very good company, I was very sad on a couple of days,but she just allowed me to be to be sad… she didn’t try to jolly me along, which is such a bonus.
I know that eventually, I will begin to be normal… I will relearn the ability to feign equilibrium, but to be honest, brutally honest, I don’t really want to be normal, I just want my Marie back!
I did something mean on another site, I dropped a grief bomb on a forum about Aston Villa, my football team. Someone made a thread about what are you going to do whilst the football season is over and the new one is yet to start… an innocuous question, to which I said, I will be painting a picture a day as I have since my partner was killed in January! I feel awful dropping that bomb on them! Of course it received lots of lovely warm responses… but it was quite a bloody thing to do. I was probably drunk, and feeling sorry for myself, and thinking how dare they have normal lives, when my life is in tatters… but this is no excuse, dropping emotional bombs on innocent people is wrong, and I feel awful doing it.
So here I am. sat up in bed with just my snoring dogs beside me, alone but not lonely, sad but not terminally so, and terrified that when I go on holiday in a week’s time, with all three of my kids and my little Phoenix, my family will realise exactly how broken I am.