BIRTHDAY GRIEF

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Today is my beloved’s birthday, she would be 59 today, and I would do everything in my power to make her feel special. She was special, she was and is my soulmate. I am not going to get sad however, I have decided. I don’t want to be sad any more. I want to remember her as the most wonderful part of my entire life, and give thanks for the nine years we shared together and the forty odd years that she was always my one true love.

She would not want to trigger sadness every time I think of her, she cared so much about me that she always put my needs first. Just as I put her needs before my own. So I’m going to hold myself together. By force of will. It’s not easy. It’s been ten days since my last wailing day. I want to find a semblance of normality, a ridiculous notion only weeks ago, and staying emotionally stable is an essential step in the right direction.

She remains my phantom limb, I still reach out across my bed for her when I wake up. I still feel her presence everywhere I go. Significantly, the thought of her no longer triggers tears, I’m happy to think of  her, my sweet Marie, as the most beautiful person in my life.

I RECOGNISE THIS STAGE OF GRIEF.

I have been here before, for when my brother was lost under similar tragic conditions, I reached the same stage of grief after about eight months. By that stage, I was able to think of him without breaking down. I’m lucky, or unlucky, to have been through this process before, so I know what to expect. I have to find a way to carry on. I have to be able to face the prospect of a future without her with a level of equanimity and not despair.

To be perfectly honest, I still haven’t any idea what this future may be… For six months I painted for eight hours a day… just so I didn’t have to think. When that became a chore, I stopped. Now, I’m fishing for eight hours a day because the  level of concentration required, stops you thinking. At some point I need to find a job, my money is rapidly dwindling. I have had eight months without working… the p.t.s.d. aspect of my depression, has made driving for a living impossible. I visibly shake when approaching a tractor!

I still see the image of her crash in nightmares. I don’t think that will ever stop.

I’m lucky to have my family, I’m lucky to have my friend, Janet. She has been so kind, so patient, and so bloody funny! She has painted with me, fished with me, and made me laugh again. She is a woman in a million. Thanks Jan, you have changed my life.

Dale, Beloved Partner of Tanya Maria.

Happy Birthday Angel xxx

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