I AM NOT A NUMBER

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I have always had a clever little intro on my facebook page. Firstly, I had  ‘Yo soy un hombre pastores’… which means I am a shepherd man in spanish. Then when I realised nobody got the reference, ( basically a reference to Jesus) I changed it to, ‘I am not a number’ which is a reference to a sixties tv programme, the Prisoner, which is equally obscure to most people. I looked at it yesterday, when editing my biography on Facebook, and thought what a pretentious twit I was. So I changed it to ‘I am not important’. It was a statement of fact. Nothing clever, but an understanding which I felt was relevant for others to understand too. I didn’t realise it would be regarded as a cry for help…

Since then, I’ve been told I’m very important by my daughter, by my brother and others, and it made me feel sad that my actions had caused worry to others.

Thing is I actually felt it was an important revelation. I’ve always thought I’m special, that the narrative of my life would lead to me reaching an immortality of some sort, either literary, artistic or whatever… then yesterday I realised that none of these things were going to happen. I can’t write, I only have one story in my head, and its the one I can’t write… I have no imagination any more, and I’ve stopped painting, so that’s not going to do it. So, I thought the acceptance of the fact that I’m not important was a release… I don’t have to try and be special any more.

I feel my story has finished. My love has gone. I await the moment when I can join her.

I know I cannot hasten that moment, because to do so would cause too much pain to my family, so I’m prepared to wait patiently for that moment. I do not wish to leave my mark on this world any more. I wanted to change the world, one person at a time… but it is a fatuous idea. The world is beyond  any rational argument. So I say ok, I give up.

Dale beloved of ‘m’

 

 

 

 

 

 

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16 thoughts on “I AM NOT A NUMBER

      1. Well, I understand what you mean by having no importance and that you don’t need to strive anymore. It’s just very sad to read that you feel like waiting till your life is over as you had such a great loss. I wish you could find some joy in life again

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I understand this kind of deep emptiness after a loss. It doesn’t mean you need help, nor that you are any less present for your family and friends. Those words just describe your deep, true sense of loss. It’s courageous to admit you feel this way because people are never adept at handling our grief, so it remains locked inside. I appreciate your fearlessness in expressing yourself and I accept you just as you are. We will be reunited with them someday and that is a personal comfort we can carry with us when the world around us doesn’t get it. xo

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Don’t give up Dale. You have a lot going on at the moment, and the pending inquest does not help your frame of mind.
    As a kid, I used to say I love me because nobody else does. How sad is that from a 9 year old? Of course I was loved, my parents, my brother, though the jury’s out on my sister the way things have turned out and I think she just tolerated me being her younger brat sibling LOL.
    In later life though, those who said they loved me lied, let me down, criticised and ridiculed, used me for their own gain, but I got out and came out smiling and positive…. eventually.
    I believe we all have something special about us. I think your paintings are amazing, so it is sad that you can’t express yourself that way at the moment, but you will again.
    Hubby says I’m special……… that’s all very nice, but I just see myself as Me, Di, who writes the occasional poetry, can cook, and has a natural gift for music. I see him as special to me, he’s my rock and I know at the moment he’s worrying so very much about me.
    I am lucky we still have each other, so can only imagine the emptiness, pain and loss you are experiencing. Our neighbour is going through a similar process, and we are trying to be there for her at the darkest times. I am sure your family are doing the same for you. You have a wonderful daughter and beautiful grand daughter. To them you are indeed Special, and loved. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey dale, I only hope that you are doing fine although after reading this post I’m convinced that you are not.
    Everyone has a purpose to be on this earth.
    And it’s disheartening to know that you no more paint. I used to looo……ve the paintings.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dale you are important…I think what you might be trying to convey is that you don’t feel self-important anymore. We would all like to do something great, to change the world, etc. but in the end we find out that the most important thing we can do is love the people closest to us. You loved Marie…that changed her world. You love your kids and grandkids…that changes their world. God has put us here to love others and help make their lives better; our art, writing, painting, etc. is frosting on that cake. I know it is hard to wait for the inquest and it is hanging over your head. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. This is tough stuff indeed.

    Liked by 1 person

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