TONIGHT MY BEAUTIFUL MARIE (TANYA) WAS KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT. I DON’T KNOW HOW I CAN CONTINUE WITHOUT HER.
SHE IS MY SOULMATE AND MADE THE WORLD BEARABLE.
the stars look very different tonight
ONE YEAR ON
This may seem incredible, but I didn’t anticipate that the anniversary would cause me any kind of emotional turmoil. After all, I’d got through Christmas and New Year relatively unscathed, thanks for the most part to my special girl, Janet, and I stupidly thought I can handle this now. So it came as some surprise that on awakening this morning I could NOT stop crying. If you would have asked me a year ago how I thought I’d be handling it now, I would have said I wouldn’t still be here! So that’s progress of sorts. The truth is losing your one and only soul mate, feels like having limbs removed. It doesn’t matter how well you get on with other people or how close they become… They still feel like a prosthetic. This is doubly harsh to both parties… You feel a cad for not being able to accept the difference, and they feel that they can never live up to your expectations. In reality, you do not expect them to be the one you loved with all your heart, they are not a replacement, but they are a godsend! My Janet has been an absolute Godsend. I do not deserve to have such a wonderful person in my life. She is patient, supportive, strong and resilient, even when I mess her about with the mercurial nature of my Affections. One day, I am totally there with her, then the next I feeling guilty because I feel I’m betraying Marie. She has stuck with me through all my moods and melancholia, and remained steadfast. God bless you Janet, please stay in my life. I’m a shell without you.
Grief is what you make it. It can overwhelm you or it can push you forward, So far it has mostly overwhelmed me, for months I painted for eight hours a day, then in spring I fished for eight hours a day… All to stop me reliving the moment over and over again.
I still don’t have normal emotions, still don’t feel like a normal person, mostly I feel numb but try to portray normality. I know it’s not working. Now that my money has almost gone, I have to face up to my toughest challenge. Do I sign on for dole (govt payments) and hand my life over to the vagaries of the state; do I claim sickness, I have major problems with my back and depression, but again that allows the govt to get involved in my life; or do I get a job? Not easy these days, sixty year old’s are not in high demand in the job market.
I hate the idea of the govt. stipulating what hoops I have to jump through to get money to live on, I’d rather work, but the manual work I’ve done since leaving University is no longer an option, and who is going to employ me to do the things I want to do : Painting, writing or acting?
This is the life I have left, I have to do something, but after a year of naval gazing I’m still no closer to solution.
Roll the dice, make a choice and move on.
love and best wishes to you all.
DALE BELOVED PARTNER OF MARIE