In my “normal state”, whatever that is, I cannot just do nothing. This has been for all my life. I used to marvel at the fact that Marie could sit still without stimuli and be at peace. If I wake early, 4:00 am say, I couldn’t just lie in bed, I’d have to put you tube on the tv, turn my laptop on to surf twitter etc, I’d have my phone playing slot machines (for free I don’t gamble), I’d be writing a poem and thinking of a playlist, maybe get an idea about a painting…. The point is that my mind works at a hundred miles an hour, on so many things at the same time its a wonder I’ve never collapsed from exhaustion. This is constant. I’m like my old granny, who couldn’t just sit, she had to be cooking cleaning mending or reading… always busy. It must be congenital. When I was at university I used to visualise my mind as a spinning diamond constantly creating new connections… like a modern computer.
Since been prescribed anti-depressants I have noticed one thing. I can do just one thing, or even, and this is a shock, nothing. I kind of like it. I don’t know if this how everyone lives, I don’t know if I’m just a freak… but really, I do kind of like the de-cluttered mind.
It’s kind of zen, and makes Buddhism much more accessible to me. Every time I try to meditate I just think of a hundred things at the same time, and my mind picks earworms which cannot be lost. This is not good when trying to clear your mind of all thoughts.
Now, I’m not sure if this is just down to the drugs, because I’ve got a touch of bronchitis, which can make you feel a bit spacey too, but overall I’m liking the experience, however there is a nagging doubt that if I lose my old self for good, will I still be me?
Dale ‘M’ We with ‘J’