Time to face facts. I have been in a deep depression for 18 months. Pretty much constantly since my beloved was ripped away from me, one darkest of nights at the start of January 2019, I have been totally rudderless and to be frank, suicidal when stuck in a deep blue funk. In February, just before the lockdown, I forced myself to go to Amsterdam, with the help of my we, Janet.  It was a very hard process, I changed my mind multiple times… not only was I depressed but I have a phobia for flying. Yet my will was stronger than my fear and I faced it down. Boy, was I grateful that I did! I love Amsterdam, it is one of my favourite places in the world, and the art museums were just as wonderful as I remembered. I had the added benefit of being able to share the place with Janet.

I have a therapist who is really nice and helpful, but I’ve only seen him once… I’ve always been ferociously independent, and self-reliant… In the past I have always been able to exorcise the blues by writing it out of me. I write honestly, holding nothing back… but recently, the thoughts I have been having are too dark to put into words. They have festered like a septic sore. I have been refusing myself the solace of the people I love and who love me, so much so, that even the thought of my little Phoenix has not been able to light the darkness.

Yet slowly, she has thawed my icy mind, she has such a wonderful intelligent creative mind, such a vivacious temperament and lovely sense of humour, she puts a smile in my heart. I realise the reason I remain on this god-awful planet, is that this new soul needs me. Hopefully I can hold on to this feeling, this kindling spark to keep away the darkest hours of the long night hours…


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