Will the sun ever shine again?

I don’t see how…

You made the sun gleam with wonder,

You made the world a magical place…

Now all the magic has gone,

And I am left with the nothing…

Empty pages flickering in front of my eyes.


I’m emotionally chilled to the bone,

Nothing can warm my half -soul,

But the match of yours.

A half-life in half light,

Always winter and never Christmas.

And yet it is just weeks from your smile,

And your joyful love…

Which I can never share on this plane again.


It’s the nights, always the nights,

When the yearning cannot be abated.

I wake and sob every night,

And know it will never stop.

The days can be contained by action,

But the night just drags on forever.


first time I’ve been able to look at these blogs since I wrote them, Back when grief was new and all consuming.





  1. Faith – The Cure
  2. Don’t Leave – Faithless
  3. Faith Healer – Sensational Alex Harvey Band
  4. Faith in Each Other – INXS
  5. Faith In Love – CSS
  6. Faith Healer – Recoil
  7. Faithless – Scritti Politti
  8. Faithless Love – Linda Ronstadt
  9. Faith Unfolds – S.C.U.M.
  10. Theme From Midnight Cowboy – Percy Faith
  11. Little Faith – The National
  12. Working Class Hero – Marianne Faithfull
  13. Bittersweet Faith – Bitter:Sweet
  14. I’ll Always Have Faith In You – Carla Thomas
  15. In Your Room – Depeche Mode – Songs Of faith & Devotion
  16. What’s A Girl to do (feat Paloma Faith) – Basement Jaxx
  17. One Step Too Far – Dido /Faithless
  18. Faith – George Micheal


I had a dream yesterday, I can’t remember the exact circumstances, but I was talking to My Marie,  and I came to realise that she didn’t know that she was dead! This was a revelation. I thought thats why she hasn’t come to me… She is frustrated trying to talk to me as a normal person, thinking she can communicate in a normal way. I told her she had died. I hope she can come to terms with that, and find peace until I get to where her soul is. She remains my beloved, in every state of being.







Sitting outside after tea, looking at the gentle wallow of the tide, as it slowly leaves the bay, I was thinking about my Marie…How much she loved this forgotten part of the welsh coast, and although it makes me feel sad that she is not here to share these moments, I began to think of our shared values. She introduced me to this beautiful spot and knew how much I would love it. It is so quiet and peaceful and literally a tuning fork for contemplation. My thought was, that although she is not here, the values we shared are still innate within me. Our love of landscape, nature and peaceful thought remains in me, and so through this, she remains within me. She was able to inculcate these values which had for a large part been overshadowed by other more pressing needs in my life… like the need to provide for my family, the need to escape the vicious tongue of my ex….

My life had become jaded and jagged, my mind torn into desperate and disparate pieces, in essence, I was overcome by the mores of modern society… But she was able to make me see beyond that and truly appreciate real timeless beauty of place, of thought and of art.

She may no longer occupy this corporeal realm, but those values she inhabited are the essence of her, and they will be with me forever.

God bless you, my beloved.

Thank you for loving me as much as I loved , and love, you.


JOHN DONNE (1572 – 1631)


Air and Angels

Twice or thrice had I lov’d thee,
Before I knew thy face or name;
So in a voice, so in a shapeless flame
Angels affect us oft, and worshipp’d be;
         Still when, to where thou wert, I came,
Some lovely glorious nothing I did see.
         But since my soul, whose child love is,
Takes limbs of flesh, and else could nothing do,
         More subtle than the parent is
Love must not be, but take a body too;
         And therefore what thou wert, and who,
                I bid Love ask, and now
That it assume thy body, I allow,
And fix itself in thy lip, eye, and brow.
Whilst thus to ballast love I thought,
And so more steadily to have gone,
With wares which would sink admiration,
I saw I had love’s pinnace overfraught;
         Ev’ry thy hair for love to work upon
Is much too much, some fitter must be sought;
         For, nor in nothing, nor in things
Extreme, and scatt’ring bright, can love inhere;
         Then, as an angel, face, and wings
Of air, not pure as it, yet pure, doth wear,
         So thy love may be my love’s sphere;
                Just such disparity
As is ‘twixt air and angels’ purity,
‘Twixt women’s love, and men’s, will ever be.

John Donne

I have always had a passion for John Donne, his poetry seems very modern in comparison with his contemporaries, like Shakespeare or even Milton.

He grudgingly became an ordained minister at the constant requests of the King, but his poetry speaks of a worldliness usually denied by preachers.