LULLABY

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LULLABY

SLEEP MY SWEET ANGEL

AND IN YOUR SLUMBER

REMEMBER IT IS I

FOR WHOM YOU WAIT.

 

YOU LEFT EARLY FOR YOUR REST

AND I REMAINED ANXIOUS TO COMPLETE

THE TASK FOR WHICH I WAS CONSIGNED…

AND YOURS IS WELL DONE AND REPLETE.

 

WOULD I KNEW YOUR SWEET REFRAIN,

WHICH COULD YET CHARM ME TO JOIN,

BUT IT IS LOST AMONGST THE FALLING RAIN,

AND STILL I HAVE LINES YET TO COIN.

 

IN SLEEP YOUR VOICE STILL RINGS TRUE,

DESPITE THE DARKNESS OF THE HOUR,

I MURMUR THE THRENODY BACK TO YOU,

AND HEAR YOUR LAUGHTER THROUGH THE SHOWER.

 

I ONLY CHIME IN UNISON WITH YOUR TUNE,

I ONLY HOLD TIGHT TO YOUR LINGERING LOVE.

DALE ‘M’

 

 

JUST ONE MORE FIRST

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Having spent my first xmas on this planet without Marie on it, there is only one more first left traverse, the first anniversary of her Death. This time last year I was in the middle of a series of events where one problem led to another, each becoming more and more serious.

It began with the dog. We, Marie and I were going to go to a gig in Glasgow. It was a weird one, Marie had it in her mind that we should go and see a viking band, Heilung,

we had booked a hotel for the weekend, and planned to revisit Kelvingrove Art Musuem, then go to the gig, move up to Edinburgh on the Sunday to visit musuems etc. It was all bought and paid for. Then Freya cut her paw whilst out walking. She had stitches at the  vets, but the stitches came out, and Marie wouldn’t leave her baby with my daughter for the weekend. So we lost two hundred pounds worth of holiday, to stay at home with out ailing Border Collie. She split her stitches three times, and the vet bills were nearly £600 .

That was the first event. Then my laptop blew up. The motherboard was broken. My laptop was out of commission for over a month as they couldn’t get a replacement over the holiday period. Then my glasses broke in half. Luckily, the glasses were still under warranty, so I was able to get them replaced without cost. Then I knocked our clock off the table and broke it. The clock had been with us from the beginning. On the 27th December, the car blew up whilst Marie was out shopping. It was kaput. We had to get a new car. On January 1st, we spent our Bank Holiday travelling to Bolton to buy a new car. £3000 lighter, the new year seemed to be following the trajectory of December.

On the 3rd of January, I came home from work and woke Marie, who worked nights, with a cup of tea. An hour later I got a phone call from my daughter Amy. Her Mum, my ex-wife was ill, the symptoms suggesting she’d had a stroke. I offered to have the Baby, Phoenix, whilst she went to the hospital with her Mother. I took Marie her 2nd cup of tea. I told her what was occurring, that Phoenix would be arriving shortly and that Gail had had a stroke.

“My God, could your luck get any worse?” Marie said.

When the baby came down, she was quite whiny. She cried for about an hour. Marie got dressed ready to go to work. She came down and offered to hold the baby, whilst I went out and had a cigarette.

Whilst Marie was upstairs, I put Phoenix down in her cot, which at that time, was in the living room, as we looked after the baby every Saturday whilst Amy went to work. Marie came down to see me sitting in the dark, writing on my little replacement laptop, Marie came over kissed my head, then went back upstairs to fetch my bedside lamp. She put it down beside me, she then gave me a proper kiss and said I love you. I smiled and said,

“I love you too.” She left to go to work.  The baby screamed. She would not be going to sleep. At eleven O’clock, I had a knock on the door. I opened it with the baby in my arms, to find a male and female police officer stood there. My immediate reaction was,

Oh shit, Gail’s died.  The police came in. Told me to sit down. They brought out Marie’s handbag. Then I knew. I thought they wanted me to go identify her. They wouldn’t let me. The rest is horrible and I’m not going to elucidate further.

In the space of a few weeks, my whole life unravelled. This doesn’t seem statistically viable. It is a series of events which defies logic. Yet it happened. There were more things which broke but I can’t remember it all, I’ve been blocking it all out for a year. My conclusion is that there must have been some sort of cosmic karma going on, that we had some very dark past lives which required balancing.

I miss my beloved every day. Every second of every day. It helps that I know we travel through this world existence together. We have many lives together. So I know she will be there for me next time. In our next re-incarnation, I will make damn sure that we stay together forever, I will never let her go. Life without her is shit.

Getting beyond the third is my next goal. After that, I have to rejoin the human race.

Just remember, live in love.

Love is always the answer.

DALE ‘M’

SILLY BLOODY HAT

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Just talking about silly hats, and I remembered this one… And the tears just run down my cheeks like a spoilt child! Marie was the only woman I ever knew that would wear clothes entirely for comfort rather than for show. She didn’t care a jot that her silly bloody hat looked ridiculous, that her duffle coat was twenty years out of fashion, as long as she was warm, she was happy.  And this the woman who would think nothing of spending two hours torturing her tumultuous hair into tight ringlets after washing it! But this was not a fashion thing it was a practicality… naturally her hair would be a well-sprung thatch, a storm cloud above her head, so the trussing was an essential part of her well-being. I miss her silly hair, I miss her silly bloody hats… I miss every bloody inch of her gorgeous body. These are the thoughts and feelings which populate every minute of every day, if I let them. I hold them tight in a net, but sometimes they leech out and cannot be contained.

oh hum.

Dale’M’

LIKE A SORE THUMB 11 P.M.17TH NOV.1978

 

The_Thinker,_Rodin

11 P.M. 17TH NOVEMBER 1978

STAKE-OUT

You know when you get morose drunk? When you have left your friends on the route home, and suddenly thought, I don’t want to go home? That’s the sort of feeling that gets you into trouble. So it’s 11 p.m., and I’m sitting on the stairs one floor above Mary’s flat. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her. In fact the last time I saw her was the wink. As a consequence of that little dalliance, I had caught scabies, and had suffered agonies because the doctor had not told me that I only had to paint the ointment on my skin once. I had put it on every day for a week, with the unforeseen occurrence, that I looked as if I’d been flayed. When I presented my skin for the doctor’s perusal a week later, he thought I was a complete idiot. You only use it once, no wonder you look like a lobster.

Luckily, the skin settled down relatively quickly once a curative balm had been administered. However, since that fateful night, I had decided to stay clear of my Mary, as she wasn’t particularly good for my health. Well, when I say I stayed  away… this wasn’t the first time I’d been sat sitting on the stairs above her floor, waiting to see if she came home alone. I had sat there maybe three of four times before, but as she had a guy, probably the army guy with her, I’d hid above and listened to see if he went in. He did, and I went home.

So this stalking behaviour had become a habit. What did I want? I wanted to make everything and everybody else just disappear. I wanted her to be with me forever. I think I wanted to make one last effort. I had a dream that if she knew how I felt, she would see what I could see, we were made to be together. I know a facile thought, but I was 18 and I loved her. I knew she loved me too. So why not?

I heard steps coming from below. No voices. A good sign. It was a long wait. 12 series of stairs take a while, even when you are young and fit. I looked over the parapet and saw her mop of crazy black hair below. She was alone. As she pulled on the fire door to her floor, I stood up. She stopped stark still, as if frozen in time.

“Hello” I said.

She looked down the stairs to see if anyone was there.

“Come in quick”. She looked afraid.

She shepherded me into her flat.

“You shouldn’t come here.”

“Why?”

“He’s out on Monday.”

“Who’s out on Monday?”

“My husband. He gets out of prison on Monday. You need not to be here.Seriously.”

“It’s Friday, I think it’s safe.”

” He has people watching me. He wrote me a letter, saying if I didn’t ditch the squaddie (english slang for soldier), then he would.”

“He would what?”

“Put him in a ditch. He would do it too, you don’t know the people he goes around with.”

“How did he find out about soldier boy?”

“I told you he has people watching me.”

“For fuck’s sake Mary, why don’t you just leave? You don’t need to be around this creep.”

“I can’t. He’d find me. You don’t know what he’s like.”

I hugged her. She didn’t push me away. She was shaking inside. I pressed my head to hers and felt the tumult inside her mind. We had that kind of connection, we could feel each others emotions. She hugged me so tight, we felt like siamese twins. I stroked her hair. We sat on the side of her bed… still in the living room.

“I’m here, I will always be here.” I said.

She sobbed heavily.

“That’s just it you can’t be here, I can’t bear you being here, don’t you understand?” I held her tighter and kissed her eyes.

“I love you, Mary, you know that, why not just come with me, I will look after you.” She looked into my eyes. I knew she felt the same, how could she not? We had been through so many other lifetimes together… (but that’s for another story)

“He will, kill you. You are still a boy.”

“I know people…”

“You don’t even know how to tie your shoes, my beautiful boy. You are my dream, my hope of happiness. I got myself into this shit, I will get myself out of it. You will go and have a happy life without me.”

An air of finality. She hugged me. I hugged her. I cried. I cried a lot. We undressed. We held each other into the night. We never let go of each other. It was a pure moment, a pure moment in a lifetime of madness. We relished it until finally we fell asleep.

I awoke about eight. My leg across her legs, my arms around her waist, my nose engulfed in the mass of her hair. I wanted to sneeze. I didn’t want to sneeze, I needed to sneeze. I wanted not to sneeze. I wanted the moment to last forever. The watery sun burst through the window, casting her long legs in light and shade… Always with Mary, the light and the shade! She was the most beautiful intelligent woman I had ever met, she was love personified, yet always she brought in the shade… The dark moods, the drugs, the ridiculous lack of faith in me… warranted I grant you, to some extent. She at that age had taken me to heaven and hell. And the men and women she paraded in front of me.

But as always, I wanted to scoop her into my arms and take her away. To look after her all my life. I wanted to protect her. Yet, she insisted on protecting me. I stroked her perfect skin, I held her perfect breast. I tried to slip my hand inside her knickers.

She grabbed my hand.

“No. None of that. Time for you to go now.”

I got up.  I got dressed. I had tears again, I tried to hide them.

I waved to her prostrate form as I made for the door.

“Dale. Don’t I get a kiss.” She leaned on a elbow. I lent over and kissed her on the lips.

“I love you with all my heart, Mary, won’t you come with me?”

“I love you with all my heart, Dale, I can’t come with you. I have to sort my life out, and you do too. Please don’t come around again, he will seriously fuck you up.”

I walked out of her life.

For 33 years.

It’s a funny way to live don’t you think.

DALE ‘M’

 

 

LIKE A SORE THUMB 11 P.M.17TH NOV.1978

 

The_Thinker,_Rodin

11 P.M. 17TH NOVEMBER 1978

STAKE-OUT

You know when you get morose drunk? When you have left your friends on the route home, and suddenly thought, I don’t want to go home? That’s the sort of feeling that gets you into trouble. So it’s 11 p.m., and I’m sitting on the stairs one floor above Mary’s flat. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her. In fact the last time I saw her was the wink. As a consequence of that little dalliance, I had caught scabies, and had suffered agonies because the doctor had not told me that I only had to paint the ointment on my skin once. I had put it on every day for a week, with the unforeseen occurrence, that I looked as if I’d been flayed. When I presented my skin for the doctor’s perusal a week later, he thought I was a complete idiot. You only use it once, no wonder you look like a lobster.

Luckily, the skin settled down relatively quickly once a curative balm had been administered. However, since that fateful night, I had decided to stay clear of my Mary, as she wasn’t particularly good for my health. Well, when I say I stayed  away… this wasn’t the first time I’d been sat sitting on the stairs above her floor, waiting to see if she came home alone. I had sat there maybe three of four times before, but as she had a guy, probably the army guy with her, I’d hid above and listened to see if he went in. He did, and I went home.

So this stalking behaviour had become a habit. What did I want? I wanted to make everything and everybody else just disappear. I wanted her to be with me forever. I think I wanted to make one last effort. I had a dream that if she knew how I felt, she would see what I could see, we were made to be together. I know a facile thought, but I was 18 and I loved her. I knew she loved me too. So why not?

I heard steps coming from below. No voices. A good sign. It was a long wait. 12 series of stairs take a while, even when you are young and fit. I looked over the parapet and saw her mop of crazy black hair below. She was alone. As she pulled on the fire door to her floor, I stood up. She stopped stark still, as if frozen in time.

“Hello” I said.

She looked down the stairs to see if anyone was there.

“Come in quick”. She looked afraid.

She shepherded me into her flat.

“You shouldn’t come here.”

“Why?”

“He’s out on Monday.”

“Who’s out on Monday?”

“My husband. He gets out of prison on Monday. You need not to be here.Seriously.”

“It’s Friday, I think it’s safe.”

” He has people watching me. He wrote me a letter, saying if I didn’t ditch the squaddie (english slang for soldier), then he would.”

“He would what?”

“Put him in a ditch. He would do it too, you don’t know the people he goes around with.”

“How did he find out about soldier boy?”

“I told you he has people watching me.”

“For fuck’s sake Mary, why don’t you just leave? You don’t need to be around this creep.”

“I can’t. He’d find me. You don’t know what he’s like.”

I hugged her. She didn’t push me away. She was shaking inside. I pressed my head to hers and felt the tumult inside her mind. We had that kind of connection, we could feel each others emotions. She hugged me so tight, we felt like siamese twins. I stroked her hair. We sat on the side of her bed… still in the living room.

“I’m here, I will always be here.” I said.

She sobbed heavily.

“That’s just it you can’t be here, I can’t bear you being here, don’t you understand?” I held her tighter and kissed her eyes.

“I love you, Mary, you know that, why not just come with me, I will look after you.” She looked into my eyes. I knew she felt the same, how could she not? We had been through so many other lifetimes together… (but that’s for another story)

“He will, kill you. You are still a boy.”

“I know people…”

“You don’t even know how to tie your shoes, my beautiful boy. You are my dream, my hope of happiness. I got myself into this shit, I will get myself out of it. You will go and have a happy life without me.”

An air of finality. She hugged me. I hugged her. I cried. I cried a lot. We undressed. We held each other into the night. We never let go of each other. It was a pure moment, a pure moment in a lifetime of madness. We relished it until finally we fell asleep.

I awoke about eight. My leg across her legs, my arms around her waist, my nose engulfed in the mass of her hair. I wanted to sneeze. I didn’t want to sneeze, I needed to sneeze. I wanted not to sneeze. I wanted the moment to last forever. The watery sun burst through the window, casting her long legs in light and shade… Always with Mary, the light and the shade! She was the most beautiful intelligent woman I had ever met, she was love personified, yet always she brought in the shade… The dark moods, the drugs, the ridiculous lack of faith in me… warranted I grant you, to some extent. She at that age had taken me to heaven and hell. And the men and women she paraded in front of me.

But as always, I wanted to scoop her into my arms and take her away. To look after her all my life. I wanted to protect her. Yet, she insisted on protecting me. I stroked her perfect skin, I held her perfect breast. I tried to slip my hand inside her knickers.

She grabbed my hand.

“No. None of that. Time for you to go now.”

I got up.  I got dressed. I had tears again, I tried to hide them.

I waved to her prostrate form as I made for the door.

“Dale. Don’t I get a kiss.” She leaned on a elbow. I lent over and kissed her on the lips.

“I love you with all my heart, Mary, won’t you come with me?”

“I love you with all my heart, Dale, I can’t come with you. I have to sort my life out, and you do too. Please don’t come around again, he will seriously fuck you up.”

I walked out of her life.

For 33 years.

It’s a funny way to live don’t you think.

DALE ‘M’

 

 

LOOK PLAYLIST

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LOOK PLAYLIST

  1. 99% OF GARGOYLES LOOK LIKE BOB TODD – HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT
  2. ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ACTION – KASABIAN
  3. THE BOY LOOKED AT JOHNNY – THE LIBERTINES
  4. DON’T LOOK BACK – THE TEMPTATIONS
  5. DON’T LOOK BACK – MADNESS
  6. DON’T LOOK DOWN – DAVID BOWIE
  7. EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK – THE TOURISTS
  8. I BET YOU LOOK GOOD ON THE DANCE FLOOR – ARTIC MONKEYS
  9. I LOOKED AT YOU – THE DOORS
  10. IF EVERYBODY LOOKED THE SAME – GROOVE ARMADA
  11. I’LL LOOK AROUND – BILLIE HOLIDAY
  12. I’M LOOKING THROUGH YOU – THE BEATLES
  13. I’M ONLY LOOKING – INXS
  14. L’AMOUR LOOKS SOMETHING LIKE YOU – KATE BUSH
  15. LOOK AT LAST NITE – SLADE
  16. LOOK AT ME – JOHN LENNON
  17. LOOKIN IN – JOHN MARTYN
  18. THE LOOK OF LOVE – DUSTY SPRINGFIELD
  19. LOOK ON DOWN FROM THE BRIDGE – MAZZY STAR
  20. LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO HAPPEN – THE TRAGICALLY HIP
  21. LOOKING GLASS / PETTIBON – ERAAS
  22. THE WAY YOU LOOK TONIGHT – FRANK SINATRA

LOOK FOR BEAUTY EVERYWHERE, BECAUSE UGLINESS DESTROYS YOUR SOUL…

DALE ‘M’