NOT HERE

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NOT HERE

I’M A DISCARDED BOTTLE,

AWASH ON THE SHORE,

PICTURESQUE BUT VACUOUS…

 

WITH NO LID, I’M FLAT,

THE EFFERVESCENCE DISSOLVED,

MY HEARTS NOT IN IT.

 

AND I WANDER THE BATTLEMENTS,

LIKE HAMLET’S DEAD FATHER,

PLAYING OUT THE SAME SCENES.

 

I WISH FOR A NEW STORY,

TO HAVE AN AWAKENING…

BUT DON’T BELIEVE.

 

HOW DO YOU KICKSTART YOUR LIFE?

WHEN YOUR ENGINES GONE…

YOU ARE JUST SCRAP!

 

YOU CAN TELL ME TO MOVE ON,

BUT WITHOUT MY SOUL…

I HAVE NOTHING…

NOTHING AT ALL.

 

DALE ‘M’

 

 

TOGETHER PLAYLIST

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TOGETHER PLAYLIST

  1. EVERYBODY GET TOGETHER – DAVE CLARK FIVE
  2. ALL FALL TOGETHER – BIG COUNTRY
  3. ALL TOGETHER NOW – THE BEATLES
  4. ALTOGETHER – SLOWDIVE
  5. COME TOGETHER – SPIRITUALIZED
  6. EVERYTIME WE LIVE TOGETHER WE DIE A BIT MORE -HOOVERPHONIC
  7. GOOD TOGETHER – JOAN AS A POLICEWOMAN
  8. HELP ME (GET MYSELF BACK TOGETHER AGAIN) –  THE SPELLBINDERS
  9. LET’S GET TOGETHER – JEFFERSON AIRPLANE
  10. LET’S SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER – DAVID BOWIE
  11. LET’S STICK TOGETHER – BRYAN FERRY
  12. OUR FIRST DAY TOGETHER – CARLY SIMON
  13. PUTTING IT TOGETHER – BARBARA STREISAND
  14. SLEEP TOGETHER – GARBAGE
  15. STAY TOGETHER – SUEDE
  16. STICK TOGETHER – KRISTINA TRAIN
  17. STILL TOGETHER – MAC DEMARCO
  18. TOGETHER ALONE – CROWDED HOUSE
  19. TOGETHER IN ELECTRIC DREAMS – HUMAN LEAGUE
  20. UNTOGETHER – BELLY

 

UNTOGETHER

JOINED AT BIRTH

OF ADULTHOOD,

WE LIVED UNTOGETHER

FOR THIRTY THREE YEARS…

UNBEARABLE AS A HALF,

WE JOINED TOGETHER,

AND FELT WHOLE AGAIN.

 

AND NOW WE ARE UNTOGETHER AGAIN,

STOLEN FROM MY ARMS,

STOLEN FROM MY HEART AND SOUL,

I HAVE NO WAY TO BECOME

A COMPLETE ENTITY…

A HALF-LIFE HYSTERIA…

A MINDLESS DRONE.

A FREE RADICAL.

DALE ‘M’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE GOLDEN PATH

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THE GOLDEN PATH

For  a decade we trod the Golden Path,

hand in hand, arm in arm,

We crossed the treacherous roads,

following a singular route,

Guided by light and love and care,

Sharing a vision of Nirvana,

Sharing a soul full of joy,

We etched a track across the mires,

The trickster could not find us,

We lost him at the fork…

 

But in the dark a trap was set,

No light could enter,

No light could fall…

And you were lost my angel…

And I am left to trace the Golden Path alone.

Follow softly my lover, follow…

Shine your love down on me,

So that my feet do not falter,

And I will meet you there.

Yes I will meet you there.

 

DALE ‘M’

DIMINISHED

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DIMINISHED

I wear your name like a talisman,

A soft sibilant sorrow, sweet saccharin ,

A rune across my chest, hidden in plain sight,

A sacred language sworn forever more,

Beloved soul mate Maria,

Lost but never leaving,

Diminished only in life,

but immortal  in death.

 

You will always be warm in my heart .

DALE BELOVED OF ‘M’

INQUEST

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Coroners verdict was accidental death. I feel this was the right decision. So many things to say, but I’m not going to say them. I feel so sorry to the boy who was driving the tractor, just 21, and to have that accident hanging over him, he looked so young and afraid, and genuinely sorry for what had happened. I was allowed to ask questions, which I found very gratifying, but I didn’t ask him anything… Because I didn’t want to break him. I asked questions of other witnesses and experts, but I didn’t think asking him pertinent questions would have helped me or my beautiful Marie, but would have just made his position worse. Marie and I believed in love, and the power of love,  so I tried to give him our love, and allow him away out of his nightmare.

So that’s it. I have done my best to give my Marie all my love as she moves on into the next adventure. I hope she waits for me, I don’t think I will be long, she tells me time is different in the great beyond. The truth is, with the inquest over, I feel I am now free. I can move on. Obviously, I move on with her with me… She has given me so much love over the years, and made me a better person.

Thanks to everyone who has offered me so much love and support over the last ten months, I don’t think I would have been able to carry on without all that love I felt coming from everyone.

With love

Dale still beloved of ‘M’

THE END

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Today, my ten month nightmare comes to an end. My last act as a loving partner in life, is to bear witness to our love and our life together, to finally lay to rest the idea that my angel was in anyway suicidal. This will be quashed. And then I will sit through all the horrific details of the case,(as if I haven’t seen them every bloody day since the accident), and I know that this is going to take me to the very edge of my sanity, and probably will negate the progress that I have made since the dreadful day. I face this willingly. I would gladly have died in her place, because she meant more to me than I do… And I know she felt the  same way towards me.

So, one way or another, this is the last act of the tragedy. I wait, battered and bruised, like King Lear, with my beloved metaphorically in my arms, and hope I will find away to move on. She will always be with me. I will always be close to tears, but time will help.

Dale ‘M’

EVERY DAY

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EVERY DAY

EVERY DAY I TRY TO FIX YOU IN MY MIND’S EYE,

I KISS YOUR PICTURES AND SAY I LOVE YOU,

JUST AS I SAID I LOVE YOU EVERY SINGLE DAY,

WE WERE TOGETHER,

JUST AS YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME…

EVERY SINGLE DAY.

 

AND WITH EVERY ACTION AND EVERY THOUGHT,

OUR LOVE WAS APPARENT,

SO ALONE I CARRY THE TORCH,

AND ALONE I’M NOT EVEN HALF THE MAN…

YOU MADE ME.

I SCUTTLE FROM DAY TO DAY,

LIKE A SPIDER SCUTTLING FROM CORNER TO WEB…

WITHOUT A FUCKING CLUE!

 

THERE’S A THOUGHT?

DALE ‘M’

MISSING

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I’m missing my beloved so much! She performed so many roles in my life, it feels like I’m missing five loved ones. She was first and foremost my life partner, our souls entwined, we shared a love so deep, so long – lasting, there can never be a replacement. I have to carry on… but how I have no idea.

Secondly, she was my best friend, we talked constantly about everything. The person with whom I shared the minutia of life. Every bit of news or minor event I would pass on to her. She said That I never shut up. She is right. I wanted to share everything with her… so I did!

Thirdly, she was my lover, the best lover in the world. Our bodies connected in a way I cannot describe with words. We inhabited each others minds as well as bodies. We were beautiful together.

Fourthly, She was my life Manager, She taught me the best ways to help my children…

Everything good I did for them, she told me how to do it. She taught me how to be a better person. Now I’m afraid everybody will just have to put up with my shambling advice and muddle-headedness.

Fifthly, She was my accountant, she dealt with everything, so much so, I never had to worry about finances, phone accounts, internet providers, insurance, booking holidays, She did it all. She said that I was an artist, I should concentrate on that. I wish my art was better, and more productive… Oh well, all I can do is my best!

All of these roles, rolled up into one. There will never be another like her. I know that her soul is still with me, and I am asking her advice every five minutes… But it’s not the same. I need her to hold, to cuddle, to kiss, and to adore! What do you when you lose an Angel?

You give thanks that you had her to yourself for eight years! And thank the lord you have carried her in your heart for more than forty years!

My Marie was a blessing to me, all my adult life, she showed what love is and what it could be…

LOVE IS THE ONLY ANSWER.

LIVE IN LOVE MY FRIENDS.

DALE ‘M’

 

P.S. YES THIS FEELING AGAIN!

THE EMPTY CHOKE OF REALISATION…

THERE IS NO RESPITE.

NO  RETURNS.

MORE PICTURES OF MY ANGEL AND A TALE

I left school in May, 1976… It was the long hot summer, it was the summer when I discovered what that thing was all about… For three months I was engaged to a girl called Jane. I had failed 9 o’levels, due to the fact I’d not gone to school much in the last 18 months… I’d discovered how to bunk off shortly after my Brother had died in an accident, and after a while it became easier to not go to school than it was to go… An awkward meeting with the deputy head… In the eleventh hour I capitulated and went back to take my O’levels, but surprisingly to no avail, as even rudimentary schooling requires some attendance. Given that 1976 was a long hot summer, and I had no prospect of qualifications, I found it some what difficult to find a job. I happily took the £7.59 a week dole money, and lived off the hog. Booze, fags and the delights of nervous sexual adventure.  By the time the results came out, and Jane was no more,( leaving the sedentary delights of my amorous endeavours for the better prospects of some guy that was a machinist at Enots) I discovered that the world outside school was not going to welcome me with open arms. I therefore had to come up with a better plan. I persuaded my school to take me back to do resits, and then A’levels.

I had the best of intentions. Then Marie happened.

I used to go home for lunch, as I lived near the school… I was feeling rather miserable a walked back into the school one September lunchtime… I was being berated by parents and teachers alike as I was still not reaching the required standard… I must work harder the familiar refrain shot at me from all sides… To be honest, I had a pretty nihilistic opinion on life and schooling in particular.

Anyway, I walked into the school around the back of the Sports Hall, where all the smokers used to hide out. I was hoping to cadge a fag. Suddenly I stopped dead in my tracks,there before me stood a beautiful tall dark girl, a girl I had never met before. She had been in the school for two years, but I had not, so that’s probably why I had missed her.

She was stood chatting to my mate, Morgan who was looking censoriously at the rogue cigarette, anxious not to be caught in the cross-fire should a teacher suddenly appear.

I smiled at Morgan and said Hi. I looked at the girl and said,

“give us a drag”. She smiled and passed the cigarette, I took two long drags and then went to give it her back, just as Mr.Evans appeared around  the corner. I cupped the cigarette behind my back, but to no avail. I got a clip around the ear, as he said, “If you want to smoke do it off school premises!”

So, taking him at his word, I turned around and began to walk off the premises. The teacher stood there non-plussed, and as I walked out of the gates I heard a voice call from behind me,

“Hey wait up…”

She, the immortal she, the only one, she ran up beside me.

“Where are you going?”

“Fuck this!”, I said, “I don’t know why I fucking bothered coming back, they still just treat you like a kid.”

“You Want to come back to mine? Have a coffee or something?”

“Who are you? I’ve never seen you here before?”

“I’m Marie. Morgan’s told me all about you.”

” Yeah, I’m just the talk of the fucking town… Renegade black sheep!”

We went back to her house, a funny pointy roof house I used to call the Witch’s Cauldron.

We sat and talked all afternoon, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. She introduced me to The Naked Ape by Desmond Morris. She had me read aloud the chapter on Sex. I sat in an armchair, reading aloud from this bloody book, whilst she sat and my feet, stroking my inner thigh… I thought I was in heaven, and that she was some kind of Goddess, the most exotic and beautiful person I had ever met…

And 42 years later she still is!

or was…

God I miss you so much my beloved!

Always yours

Dale

 

 

 

PERPETUAL WINTER

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Will the sun ever shine again?

I don’t see how…

You made the sun gleam with wonder,

You made the world a magical place…

Now all the magic has gone,

And I am left with the nothing…

Empty pages flickering in front of my eyes.

 

I’m emotionally chilled to the bone,

Nothing can warm my half -soul,

But the match of yours.

A half-life in half light,

Always winter and never Christmas.

And yet it is just weeks from your smile,

And your joyful love…

Which I can never share on this plane again.

 

It’s the nights, always the nights,

When the yearning cannot be abated.

I wake and sob every night,

And know it will never stop.

The days can be contained by action,

But the night just drags on forever.

 

first time I’ve been able to look at these blogs since I wrote them, Back when grief was new and all consuming.

Dale