SHALL I SPEAK?

IMG_1397

SHALL I SPEAK?

Shall I speak of the gentle whisper?

The slow rise and fall

Of the Ocean’s beating chest,

The wax and wane of the waves;

The deep murmur of the pebbles

Tingling like asthma

Through the Planet’s breath…

And this marks out time.

 

The sun circles the ocean

Like a gaily coloured matador

gashing it’s blood-like light

Across the tumultuous surface

of it’s endless prey…

Will it yet boil the ocean’s away?

Copyright Dale Beck 2018

WHY?

IMG_5535

WHY?

WHY IN LIFE DID WE HAVE A TELEPATHIC UNITY?

AND YET IN DEATH YOU CANNOT REACH ME…

IT’S BEWILDERING,

I FEEL SOUL-STRIPPED…

AN EMPTY SPACE,

LIKE A STROKE VICTIM.

I CANNOT ACCESS THE YOU SPACE IN MY MIND.

HALF LOST,

FLOUNDERING IN MY OWN QUANTUM SPACE,

YET YOU ARE ALL AROUND ME,

YOU TOUCH THOSE STILL WITH ME,

YOU CAN BREAK THROUGH THEIR HEADS…

BUT NOT MINE.

LIKE THESEUS IN THE LABYRINTH…

BUT WITHOUT THE TWINE,

IN LIFE WE EXISTED AS A DOUBLE HELIX…

IN DEATH I AM LEFT ALONE.

 

DALE ‘M’  WE WITH J

AWAKE

IMG_0264

AWAKE

I took a year off. I didn’t want to be beholden. I had so much stuff to sort out in my inner space, I couldn’t or wouldn’t allow these decisions to be influenced by external bodies. I couldn’t work… How could I go back to driving up and down Cheshire every day, when my beloved had been killed by one of the accursed tractor which had long been the bane of my driving days? Each one I met would be a sword in my side. So for three months I took sick pay, went and got a sick note from my friendly doctor, and worked out what next. After months of wrangling, I got access to our bank accounts, to car insurance and life insurance… I had a wad. A back stop. I worked out that I could not afford the rent on our home, the cash would not last long enough. So I gave up my home, my job, my whole life in the old town. I came home. I moved in with my parents and eked out my capital, and lasted a year. I didn’t not claim Universal Credit. I knew that would expect me to attend job search interviews and all the other hoops that you have to jump through and I thought no… I’m not going to have my grief controlled by an external body that does not care a jot about me. Same with Doctors. Once I gave up my job, I didn’t need to see a doctor, although I did need to in reality, I just didn’t want the labels they would give me. Clinically depressed… To add to my bad blood, (too much iron), my chronic back and neck pain, caused by spondalitis and stenosis, and by a crushed vertebrae in my neck, my chronic stomach condition… no doubt made worse by alcohol consumption… It was easier to self-medicate, I had pain killers on script. So tonight I’m awake. I have to go to a doctor tomorrow. Explain everything. It’s daunting. Just like going to the bank last week…

I’m having anxiety attacks. I will explain everything to him/her and they will agree with my prognosis, and hopefully agree I’m not fit to work. Then Friday I will take his sick note to Universal Credit and I will be back in the society, beholden to rules.

I have a plan, or rather we have a plan… because I cannot talk of an I when I am now a we. We will make art together and make whatever we can from that. And we will take trips. Do things as a WE. I have Marie’s blessing, she has orchestrated it… Such is her way.

When she finished with me back in 1977, she arranged for my old girlfriend to come up and look after me. That is/was her way. Bloody control freak! You know what I said to her then?

” I want you! Nobody else!”

Alas and alack… this no longer an option. Janet is my new other. She has played her hand so well, smacked my arse and called me Susan ( private joke). I have been an absolute arsehole the last twelve months, head up my arse, vacillating between tragedy and farce, stuff I can’t say, but she knows anyway… So close.

I’m going back to my painting, but not as a means to shut the noise out of my head, but because it’s what I love, and I will write and even listen to my beloved music collection, which is still so fucking hard, every other song makes me cry.

So I will get out of bed tomorrow, I will go to the doctors, I will face the depression which everyone but me has already accepted. I will go cap in hand to the state, in the hope I can keep my head above water, and I will make my paintings pay. I will go back to Amsterdam, even though it’s Marie’s city, and I will tie it up with a bow and connect it with Bruges and Ypres and wherever else I want to see.

Death is not an option.

Dale beloved of ‘M’ …we to J

2020 REVELATION AWAKES HA PLAYLIST

15-03-05/709.1

2020 REVELATION AWAKES HA PLAYLIST

  1. 2000 SHOES – BIG AUDIO DYNAMITE
  2. 20/20 – GAZ COOMBES
  3. REVERBERATION – 13TH FLOOR ELEVATORS
  4. EVE WHITE /EVE BLACK – SIOUXSIE & THE BANSHEES
  5. VALLEY OF THE DOLLS – GENERATION X
  6. EYES ON FIRE – BLUE FOUNDATION
  7. LAND OF HOPE & GLORY – MADNESS
  8. A CASE FOR SHAME – MOBY
  9. TAKE MY HEAD – ARCHIVE
  10. I AM STRETCHED ON YOUR GRAVE – SINEAD O’CONNOR
  11. OBLIVIOUS – AZTEC CAMERA
  12. NO LONGER MAKING TIME – SLOWDIVE
  13. A DAY IN THE LIFE – THE BEATLES
  14. WAILING WALL – CLAN OF XYMOX
  15. A SONG FOR EUROPE = ROXY MUSIC
  16. K HOLE – BRITISH SEA POWER
  17. ECHOLALIA – DEAD CAN DANCE
  18. SAFESURFER – JULIAN COPE
  19. HA HA WALL – LIBERTINES
  20. A BETTER FUTURE – DAVID BOWIE

I CANNOT TELL YOU WHAT YOU WILL FIND BUT THIS IS THE YEAR WHEN ALL BECOMES CLEAR… WE’LL TALK THEN.

DALE ‘M’

MY BEAUTIFUL MARIE (ONE YEAR ON)

IMG_1274

TONIGHT  MY BEAUTIFUL MARIE (TANYA)  WAS KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT. I DON’T KNOW HOW I CAN CONTINUE WITHOUT HER.

SHE IS MY SOULMATE AND MADE THE WORLD BEARABLE.

the stars look very different tonight

DALE

ONE YEAR ON

This may seem incredible, but I didn’t anticipate that the anniversary would cause me any kind of emotional turmoil. After all, I’d got through Christmas and New Year relatively unscathed, thanks for the most part to my special girl, Janet, and I stupidly thought I can handle this now. So it came as some surprise that on awakening this morning I could NOT stop crying.  If you would have asked me a year ago how I thought I’d be handling it now, I would have said I wouldn’t still be here!  So that’s progress of sorts. The truth is losing your one and only soul mate, feels like having limbs removed. It doesn’t matter how well you get on with other people or how close they become… They still feel like a prosthetic. This is doubly harsh to both parties… You feel a cad for not being able to accept the difference, and they feel that they can never live up to your expectations. In reality, you do not expect them to be the one you  loved with all your heart, they are not a replacement, but they are a godsend! My Janet has been an absolute Godsend. I do not deserve to have such a wonderful person in my life. She is patient, supportive, strong and resilient, even when I mess her about with the mercurial nature of my Affections. One day, I am totally there with her, then the next I feeling guilty because I feel I’m betraying Marie. She has stuck with me through all my moods and melancholia, and remained steadfast. God bless you Janet, please stay in my life. I’m a shell without you.

Grief is what you make it. It can overwhelm you or it can push you forward, So far it has mostly overwhelmed me, for months I painted for eight hours a day, then in spring I fished for eight hours a day… All to stop me reliving the moment over and over again.

I still don’t have normal emotions, still don’t feel like a normal person, mostly I feel numb but try to portray normality. I know it’s not working. Now that my money has almost gone, I have to face up to my toughest challenge. Do I sign on for dole (govt payments) and hand my life over to the vagaries of the state; do I claim sickness, I have major problems with my back and depression, but again that allows the govt to get involved in my life; or do I get a job? Not easy these days, sixty year old’s are not in high demand in the job market.

I hate the idea of the govt. stipulating what hoops I have to jump through to get money to live on, I’d rather work, but the manual work I’ve done since leaving University is no longer an option, and who is going to employ me to do the things I want  to do : Painting, writing or acting?

This is the life I have left, I have to do something, but after a year of naval gazing I’m still no closer to solution.

Roll the dice, make a choice and move on.

love and best wishes to you all.

DALE BELOVED PARTNER OF MARIE

 

JUST ONE MORE FIRST

IMG_4064

Having spent my first xmas on this planet without Marie on it, there is only one more first left traverse, the first anniversary of her Death. This time last year I was in the middle of a series of events where one problem led to another, each becoming more and more serious.

It began with the dog. We, Marie and I were going to go to a gig in Glasgow. It was a weird one, Marie had it in her mind that we should go and see a viking band, Heilung,

we had booked a hotel for the weekend, and planned to revisit Kelvingrove Art Musuem, then go to the gig, move up to Edinburgh on the Sunday to visit musuems etc. It was all bought and paid for. Then Freya cut her paw whilst out walking. She had stitches at the  vets, but the stitches came out, and Marie wouldn’t leave her baby with my daughter for the weekend. So we lost two hundred pounds worth of holiday, to stay at home with out ailing Border Collie. She split her stitches three times, and the vet bills were nearly £600 .

That was the first event. Then my laptop blew up. The motherboard was broken. My laptop was out of commission for over a month as they couldn’t get a replacement over the holiday period. Then my glasses broke in half. Luckily, the glasses were still under warranty, so I was able to get them replaced without cost. Then I knocked our clock off the table and broke it. The clock had been with us from the beginning. On the 27th December, the car blew up whilst Marie was out shopping. It was kaput. We had to get a new car. On January 1st, we spent our Bank Holiday travelling to Bolton to buy a new car. £3000 lighter, the new year seemed to be following the trajectory of December.

On the 3rd of January, I came home from work and woke Marie, who worked nights, with a cup of tea. An hour later I got a phone call from my daughter Amy. Her Mum, my ex-wife was ill, the symptoms suggesting she’d had a stroke. I offered to have the Baby, Phoenix, whilst she went to the hospital with her Mother. I took Marie her 2nd cup of tea. I told her what was occurring, that Phoenix would be arriving shortly and that Gail had had a stroke.

“My God, could your luck get any worse?” Marie said.

When the baby came down, she was quite whiny. She cried for about an hour. Marie got dressed ready to go to work. She came down and offered to hold the baby, whilst I went out and had a cigarette.

Whilst Marie was upstairs, I put Phoenix down in her cot, which at that time, was in the living room, as we looked after the baby every Saturday whilst Amy went to work. Marie came down to see me sitting in the dark, writing on my little replacement laptop, Marie came over kissed my head, then went back upstairs to fetch my bedside lamp. She put it down beside me, she then gave me a proper kiss and said I love you. I smiled and said,

“I love you too.” She left to go to work.  The baby screamed. She would not be going to sleep. At eleven O’clock, I had a knock on the door. I opened it with the baby in my arms, to find a male and female police officer stood there. My immediate reaction was,

Oh shit, Gail’s died.  The police came in. Told me to sit down. They brought out Marie’s handbag. Then I knew. I thought they wanted me to go identify her. They wouldn’t let me. The rest is horrible and I’m not going to elucidate further.

In the space of a few weeks, my whole life unravelled. This doesn’t seem statistically viable. It is a series of events which defies logic. Yet it happened. There were more things which broke but I can’t remember it all, I’ve been blocking it all out for a year. My conclusion is that there must have been some sort of cosmic karma going on, that we had some very dark past lives which required balancing.

I miss my beloved every day. Every second of every day. It helps that I know we travel through this world existence together. We have many lives together. So I know she will be there for me next time. In our next re-incarnation, I will make damn sure that we stay together forever, I will never let her go. Life without her is shit.

Getting beyond the third is my next goal. After that, I have to rejoin the human race.

Just remember, live in love.

Love is always the answer.

DALE ‘M’

HOMESICK BLUES

IMG_4133

 

HOMESICK BLUES

NOWHERE IS HOME WITHOUT YOU,

LEFT BEREFT, LIKE A HAT WITHOUT A HEAD,

I WAS THE GLOSS AND BLUSTER,

YOU WERE THE BRICKS AND MORTAR…

THE RESILIENCE I ALWAYS LACKED

THE GLUE THAT HELD MY FLAKES

TOGETHER.

 

I YEARN FOR YOUR KISS,

YOUR ARMS, YOUR UNENDING CHARMS,

NEVER TO BE ALONE AGAINST THE WORLD,

BUT THAT’S ALL GONE NOW!

THE JOLT, THE SPARK ,

NOTHING IS HERE BUT YESTERDAY…

AND TOMORROW SWOONS,

LIKE AN UNTIED BALLOON.

 

DALE ‘M’

WRAPPING UP FOR CHRISTMAS PLAYLIST

IMG_5234.JPG

WRAPPING UP FOR CHRISTMAS PLAYLIST

  1. WHAT A FRIEND WE HAVE IN JESUS – ARETHA FRANKLIN
  2. RAINBOW – SIA
  3. A HOLE IN THE WALLET – GANG OF FOUR
  4. PALE SNOW – SUEDE
  5. PARADISE PLACE – SIOUXSIE & THE BANSHEES
  6. I AM THE WALRUS – THE BEATLES
  7. NEAR WILD HEAVEN – REM
  8. GEE WHIZZ ITS XMAS – CARLA THOMAS
  9. UNDERTOW – WARPAINT
  10. PEARLY DEW DROPS DROPS – COCTEAU TWINS
  11. FAR AWAY – MARTHA WAINWRIGHT
  12. OH PRETTY WOMAN – ROY ORBISON
  13. REZ/COWGIRL – UNDERWORLD
  14. CAN’T FIND MY WAY HOME – ERIC CLAPTON
  15. HAPPY WHEN IT RAINS – JESUS AND MARY CHAIN
  16. REWARD – TEARDROP EXPLODES
  17. I FOUGHT THE LAW – THE CLASH
  18. SAME AS IT EVER WAS – TALKING HEADS
  19. TALK OF THE TOWN  – PRETENDERS
  20. MAMA WERE ALL CRAZEE NOW – SLADE
  21. A NEW CAREER IN A NEW TOWN – DAVID BOWIE
  22. SATURDAY NIGHT COME SLOW – MASSIVE ATTACK

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH PAIN I’M FEELING PRETENDING CHRISTMAS IS A HAPPY EVENT, WHEN MY BELOVED IS NOT HERE!

DALE ‘M’

BUTTERMERE LAKE

IMG_0521.JPG

BUTTERMERE LAKE

IT CALLS ME FOR MY RETURN,

AND I WONDER IF SHE HOLDS,

THE REFLECTION OF MY LOVE,

I LEFT THERE ONCE BEFORE…

 

IT WAS A HAPPY SMILING FACE,

REMEMBER THAT WONDROUS WILY GRIN?

DO YOU STILL HOLD IT FIRM,

AS I DO IN MY MIND’S EYE?

 

I WOULD THAT I COULD GATHER IT UP

AND HOLD IT STILL WITHIN MY ARMS,

FOR THE CHERISHED CHARMS ARE LOST,

AND I AM NOW FORLORN…

 

I HAVE A SILHOUETTE PORTRAIT,

THAT SITS JUST BEHIND MY SOUL,

AND THERE SHE WHISPERS LOVINGLY,

BUT I WOULD LOVE TO OWN,

 

THAT LAST REFLECTION.

 

MEMORIES FLOOD IN.

DALE ‘M’